It's been a while

Ok, so I have been a bad blogger lately, but I have an excuse - I bought a house, moved, got married, went on the honeymoon and now I'm returning.

I'm starting a new path here with this blog...it will be my journal along my journey to the new me. I have struggled with my weight loss for probably close to 20 years, and I'm reminded repeatedly that I am not very old. I used to be a skinny kid when I was little...I even slipped through the gaps in the boards on the dock when I was young. Then my thyroid died - I had gained weight before I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroditis, but the year of my diagnosis was a large gain. After that, I tended to gain about 20 pounds a year. I remember being horrified when I hit 200 lbs! I think I even lied when I started university and filled out the medical form and took 20 lbs off my actual weight. 250 was another milestone I am not proud of...

I joined weight watchers with my mother a few years ago and lost a fair amount of weight...until I got bored...and wanted chocolate and ice cream and pizza on a more regular basis. Eventually I quit because I was wasting money by going and not losing any weight - a decision that made sense at the time....and then the weight came back.

When I got engaged and bought the dress for my wedding, I was happy, figured I would try to lose a few pounds or at a minumum stay the same before the big day....I gained at least 20 pounds by Christmas....lost 20 pounds by the wedding day - again on weight watchers, but again found boredom, and laziness.

I don't know how many times a day or week I tell myself I need to change and get in better shape, and my motivation lasts through one meal...then I get bored...

Today, a friend sent me an email from her sister-in-law about her mother who needs a bone marrow transplant. I figured I would look into what is involved in donating, and came across the weight chart...I am too fat to donate!

It is funny because I look in the mirror and don't think I look that fat...I think I carry it well, but then I see a picture and realize I don't. I see other people who weigh around the same as I do, and I think they are huge! And the biggest fear I have is losing weight and having people not like me anymore. I'm the funny fat girl, and I just think if I'm not fat, maybe I'll just be annoying or obnoxious. That is hard to admit!

So today, I start again. For me. For the kids I hope to have one day. I renew my blog as my escape - to share my thoughts, fears and struggles with the random people who choose to care (I'm sure my friends and family have abandoned reading this site for some time now).

Wish me luck! This will take a long time!!!

C.R.